Wednesday, September 26, 2007

An Article Unearthed by one Steven Matthew Turner

An excerpt from the Sep. 20th Shaftesbury Mountain Herald - Arts and Leisure Section:

It may come as somewhat of a surprise to the residents of Nashville Tennessee that we have stolen the hearts of two of your city's young travelers. Once again.

The events that transpired in the late evening on the 17th of September 2007 have in fact been well documented here in the colonies of the United Kingdom.

Americans Steven Turner and Alex Pearson arrived in a most timely fashion and soon after stepping off the aircraft decided to procure a fine ale, stout. At which point Mr. Turner and Mr. Pearson, before their speech was corrected by the superior English wit and charm, were heard saying, "it only goin up from here y'all" and "this here is dang ol downright coo man." To which they both knocked cowboy boots and spit an utterly alarming amount of mouth fluid into a large metal tin producing what can only be described as a resounding "ting".

What soon followed was a blissful day filled with the meeting of fine folk all around. Yes folk of the finest quality indeed. The following days were filled with being whisked away to various cottages, abbeys, castles, sea-side country and pubs of the highest esteem and regard. These adventures of course continuing the young men's happiness.

But it was late on the 17th of Sep. that the two decided to never return to their homeland America. Yes turning their back on heritage, possessions and honor all the like.

When asked for a statement one Alex Pearson had this to say. "We have grown weary of the heat. Here we have cappuccinos, scarves, mittens and above all rosy cheeked women at our disposal at anytime. It is rather nice, we are staying."

Steven continued saying, "At first, and this of course goes without saying, the lack of honky tonk saloons was quite upsetting, heck, downright abhorrent and detestable, but once one gets by this fact the hilly mountain pathways and lush greenery is equally if not more beautiful."

The two continued, "What a blast so far. The Fanthorpes have treated us with the utmost generosities and kindnesses, indeed. Our friends back home will be missed, true, but this is our decision. We are sorry."

Soon after this interview Steven and Alex were accosted by a group of English Hooligans (slang term chavs) and died on the morning of Sep. 19th.

By Teven Surner - Staff Writer


Anonymous said...

You're just trying to get out of updating your blog aren't you?



Brian said...

Man, that is the best thing I think I have ever read on the internets.

I think you should stay. You guys haven't missed anything here.

Anonymous said...

Turner.....I seem to remember a Turner....sucked at the Pong if memory serves me.

Anonymous said...

hahAhahHa, every word spoken in truth!
specially the bit about the fanthorpes being the most handsome and sweet-smelling family in the cosmos..
(you DID put that bit in didn't you..)

James said...

Nicely done lads! Sounds like you are doing it up real nice like. Drink an pint for me. *Looks at Miller Lite in plastic cup in dispair*

Anonymous said...

Uh what the heck, we aren't picking you up in the morning? How bout some arrival times here Alex?

Love, Jonathan.

Anonymous said...

Hey there J-Joe. Since nothing else seems to be happening on this here site, I will take this time to inform you of a pertinent developent:

New Salad Fingers for the first time in nearly two years. That's right.

What are you waiting for???

Patience...she loads

cactusmelba said...

come on then, i created a blog here entirely so i could comment on yours and you've not put anything up! whaddya mean you've only been back a couple of hours? just plain lazy i calls it..

cactusmelba said...

hope you don't mind alex but i've stolen some of the pics i took using your camera and put them on flickr already..
here's one of you that i've butchered..
let me know before you sue me so i can remove the offending pics please!